Caffeine Withdrawal

It's day three with no caffeine and I'm ready to jump out the window! My headache is the size of New York City and I'm on my very - last - nerve!

Why am I torturing myself like this? Believe me, I've asked myself that question numerous times in the last 3 days. Truth is, my doctor said I consume way too much caffeine on a daily basis and it could be the cause, or at least a contributing factor, to my inability to fall asleep, stay asleep and/or wake up rested.  Since I am desperate for sleep, I stopped caffeine cold turkey and pray this gawd awful withdrawal will be over soon.

And I don't even drink coffee!  It goes back to my first job at age 15 when I was a waitress in our local coffee shop. Every Saturday morning at 5AM, my job was to empty last night's vat of stinky coffee grounds and make a fresh urn of java.  The smell was disgusting!  That did it for me, I couldn't stand it.  No coffee for this little girl, not ever. Seriously, I can't even eat Coffee Ice Cream and I LOVE ice cream.

No, my caffeine of choice was ice cold Coca-Cola.  I started with "regular" Coke, loaded with sugar and caffeine.  Later, with age and maturity (translation: middle-age spread) I switched to Diet Coke but kept all the caffeine. Throw in about a gallon of good old Lipton Ice Tea each day plus every piece of chocolate I can get my hands on, and well, I was in blissful caffeine overload.

Which brings me back to quitting cold turkey.  Oh how I miss the sound of the Coke can snapping open and the burn of the Coke as it drains down my throat before I've even had my morning shower.  How I long to chug a glass of ice tea in three giant gulps then pile more ice into the glass and start all over again.

Did I mention my head hurts?

How much longer will it take to "cleanse" my system and feel some relief?  At day three, I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel any time soon! 

To try to move things along, I Googled "caffeine withdrawal" to find some solutions.  Big mistake!  All that did was scare the daylights out of me.  Who knew this "mood altering drug" could be so damaging?  It left me thinking Coke should come with a warning label like cigarettes. 

My next thought was to swing by the pharmacy for a "patch" like the ones smokers use to kick the habit.  No luck.  Apparently caffeine is not addictive enough to warrant one. Damn.

Do you think inhaling the wonderful smell of an open bag of Scharffen Berger cocoa powder counts as "falling off the wagon"?  I've done that three times already today and it's only noon.  Jeez, it smells good, but not good enough to kill this headache. 

Without question, I have a new found respect for anyone committed to the "cold turkey" approach to stop sugar, carbs, chocolate, whatever.  I can only imagine the strength needed to stop smoking, alcohol, drugs or the likes.  I'm not sure I have it in me.

So with 74 hours "clean", I'm not feeling all that much better but I'm hoping a "new caffeine-free me" is just around the corner-- So I can take a nap and actually sleep-- which is the point for all this torture!  Ahhh a girl can dream.  

Have you had to kick a bad habit cold turkey?  If so, I feel your pain. 

Welcome to The Fifty Factor  -  Joanna

What To Expect When You're Menopausing

Researching menopausal symptoms seems to be my full-time job of late.  I have a variety of other chronic illness that have accumulated over the years-- nothing major, just mostly annoying ones, so I often feel the need to compare the chronic crap to the budding menopausal side-effects now targeting my increasingly freaky body.

I thought I had a fairly good understanding of what was in store for me during "the change" but quickly realized I needed a modern day "What To Expect When Your Menopausing" type of book.  

Seriously.  If you have a baby, you can read a step-by-step narrative on what's happening to your body, practically daily, for a full nine months.  Then there's a second book to tell you what to expect, moment-by-moment, for the first 12 months of your little tike's life. That's hugely helpful!  Why isn't there one for menopause?  A simple, week-by-week wrap-up on menopausal happenings, would be a best seller!  I know it would be a much bigger book because menopause is not wrapped up in nine or twelve little months, but I'd buy that book no matter how big it was, as long as it's not a book associated with a celebrity, product or service someone is trying to hock me.  That doesn't count.

I know, I know, every woman is different, so are the drugs to take for it.  It's not cookie-cutter, I get that, really I do.  But come on-- I just want a blow-by-blow on what to expect, when to expect it, and a few pointers on when the hell it will be over! Is that too much to ask? Apparently so, because I've yet to find "the source" for all things menopause.

In my quest for answers, I discovered something absolutely shocking.  Did you know there are as many as THIRTY-FIVE symptoms of menopause?  I sat straight up in my chair when I read that tidbit of horrifying news. Until that moment, I only knew about the "top eight". (Irregular periods, decreased fertility, hot flashes, sleep issues, mood swings, weight gain, hair loss, and dryness you know where.)

But THIRTY frigging FIVE symptoms????  Who the hell counted and why didn't they tell anybody-- Like my doctors-- who continuously dismiss my whining about these wacky symptoms, or my best gal pals?  I know some things are embarrassing and potentially pretty unattractive, but really, someone could have pulled me aside and whispered the other twenty-seven possibilities that lurk in the shadow of very hot, sleep deprived, menopausal women.

Okay, so only 5% get the "burning tongue" thing, but a heads up would have been nice.  Same goes for the ringing in the ears.  Or how about the "itchy skin" which usually turns up early in the change process?  I just read it's associated with the loss of collagen and makes you look older.  So that explains it!  

And like a late night infomercial-- Wait, there's more! Pass the tissues because some experts say menopause "increases allergies" which is not to be out-done by tingling extremities and the feeling of ants crawling all over your body.  Nice, huh?  Or the whole bleeding gum thing--  I can't even go there!

But my personal, mind-blowing, fave, has to be the peculiar "electric shock sensation"-- like a rubber band snapping on your muscles-- That's a red alert for an impending hot flash.  Did you know that?  Think of it as your body's very own early warning system of a flood about to rush from your head to your toes.  Not one single person mentioned that to me-- ever.  See what we have to look forward to?!?!

No wonder menopause is kicking my ass!  And according to my research, I'm just getting started.  Damn!  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

How are you doing?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor  -  Joanna

Road Trip to La Quinta, CA

People in cold parts of the country hate it when people in warm parts of the country complain about the weather being cold. But to me, 50 degrees is COLD!  So my hubby and I decided to make a fast trip to Palm Springs to warm up!  It's only a two hour drive away and a great escape.

La Quinta Resort & Spa is a fave place for us.  The mountains are so close you can practically touch them and the stars can actually be seen at night, which rarely happens in Los Angeles. The rooms are pretty nice too, and no, I don't work for the resort or the Chamber of Commerce, I just like it here.

But it's the Spa that draws me to La Quinta.  For the record, I am not a high maintenance kind of girl.  In fact, I've been known to turn down a massage on occasion, but not this weekend.  You see, I had knots in my shoulders and neck the size of the Grand Canyon.  I needed a massage bad.

My masseuse, Kim, met me with a knuckle-cracking handshake that was my first sign this was going to be gooooood.  I gave her a quick once-over.  She was tall, with strong arms and legs. Perfect.

I explained my massage rules-- The dos and don't of touching me.  I've done this enough times to know not to beat around the bush and just lay them out on the table so I can promptly find my massage zen.

Don't:

-Heat the table (Hot flashes are enough heat.)

-Touch my arthritic hands (Ouch!)

-Massage my face (With all that greasy oil.)

-Pull my ears (What is that about?)

Do:

-Spend lots of time on the knots (The more the better!)

-Use lots of pressure (Seriously, it won't hurt me!)

-Massage my head (Ahhhhh.)

But whatever you do, DO NOT touch my feet.  I am extremely ticklish and touching my feet will blow the whole zen thing to smithereens.

Once we understood each other, Kim got straight to work, in blissful silence.  Don't you just hate a Chatty Cathy masseuse? Anyway, she worked her elbow, with her full body weight, into my aching shoulders and neck. Oh my gawd, it hurt sooooo good!  I could feel the knots starting to dissolve.

After 40 full minutes of silence and really hard work-- she was huffing and puffing, Kim said-- with shock and dismay registering in her voice-- "What do you DO? Your shoulders are a mess!"

"Um, I, ah, well, I sit at a computer all day."

"Honey, you need to give it a rest!"

After another 20 minutes of more intense kneading and pressure, Kim finally moved on to other body parts for the last 30 minutes of the massage.  I think she must have been exhausted because I could barely feel her touch.  Or maybe I fell asleep.

It's been a long time since my neck and shoulders felt this good-- this relaxed-- this stress free.  It was worth every penny plus a big tip.

Kim's parting words were, as you might have expected-- "Stay off the computer for the rest of the weekend."

I took her advice-- for about 90 minutes-- and here I sit, in front of the computer again.  Oh well.  There's still time for another massage before we return to Los Angeles.

How do you find your zen?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor  -  Joanna

Valentine's Day is Canceled

Do you hear that loud sucking noise?  It's Valentine's Day and the legions of singles and unhappy couples getting sucked into this dreaded "Hallmark Holiday".  Damn the pressures of true love.  Damn those obnoxious lovers cooing at one another. Damn the long stem rose deliverers of the world.  Who created this frigging holiday anyway?  A masochist?  Singles don't need a "special" day to remind them how "alone" they are in this big, cruel world.  Most singles just want to get the stinking day over with and move on before they go running and screaming down the street like a raving lunatic!

Then there's me.  Afterall, I'm "50 going on 40" and madly in love with my hubby.  But like singles, there's pressure for us married ones too.  It's the day to pull out all under-things red. No granny panties on V-Day.  And the chocolates!  You know-- the ones you've been avoiding since you promised yourself you'd stick to your diet?  Chocolates will be coming through the door at 7pm.  I guarantee it.  And the hunt for the perfect card that expresses your undying love?  Crap.  You forgot to pick it up yesterday at the supermarket.  It's true--  Even us married folks need Valentine's Day like we need a whole in our heads.

I proclaim Valentine's Day as the new "Get a Good Night's Sleep Day".  Doesn't that sound better?  Who couldn't use a little more sleep-- in your granny panties-- minus the migraine from too much chocolate and the guilt trip of being "alone"?  One less day to feel bad about yourself should be a sure thing.  Alert the Media!

Don't get me wrong.  I can be a hopeless romantic like the next girl.  I just don't like to "schedule" romance every year on February 14th.

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor.com.  -  Joanna