Online Dating: Chapter One

Like it or not, online dating is here to stay.  Add that to speed dating and online sexting, and you know times have changed, especially for the single, over-fifty crowd.

Men and women "of a certain age" are joining dating sites faster than you can say "let's meet for coffee". Honestly, I'm not sure I could ever "put myself out there" like that, but then again, I'm a big fat chicken.  I admire the ones who can and live vicariously through friends' blind dating escapades.

Over the past couple of years, my gal pals have dated guys like Al Bundy (bowling anyone?), Bernie Madoff (jail bird), a couple of Wild And Crazy Guys (ala Saturday Night Live), a surfer dude (think flip flops), countless wannabe actors, and even Osama bin Laden.

Yes, my friend Rita-- a gorgeous fifty-something babe, was hooked up with Osama bin Laden on an online dating site!  It was more like his identical twin brother, not actually him, but he was a very scary look-alike, and definitely NOT, someone she could ever bring home to meet the family.

Newly divorced, Rita found her first venture into online dating a little embarrassing, so she didn't dish about it with our more experienced gal pals.  

After hours of painstakingly completing her personal profile to sound interesting, entertaining and like a "new 40-something", Rita clicked the "register" button and waited for possible mates to fill her inbox.  She waited. And waited.  Finally, after two extremely long weeks without a single "match", the photo of her one and only "dream connection" with a huge "98% compatibility rating", started to download on her computer.  His screen name was "No Batteries Required", her expectations soared.

Rita still has a slow dial-up connection, the kind where the picture starts loading from the top of the page down, one, slow, quarter inch, at a time.  As she waited for her Battery Boy's picture to appear, she wondered what the missing 2% might be in their compatibility connection. 

Would he be a rich Republican, would he be poor trailer park trash, I answered Que Sera Sera....

The picture grew and grew until it filled the screen in full living color.  Holy crap!  Was this a joke?  Could it be the guy the United States Army and everyone else has been looking for?

She swore Osama bin Laden was staring at her from cyberspace.  HE was Rita's perfect love connection? Damn! 

It's true, Mr. 98% Compatible was a nasty guy who looked like he'd been living in a cave in Afghanistan for years, crusty beard, dirty turban and all.  This is not the online date Rita had in mind.

Panic stricken, she called me wondering what the hell happened! Her dating dreams were shattered and it was all over a creepy looking guy she'd never even met.  She wanted to cancel her registration and throw her laptop out the window.

I immediately talked her down off the ledge and conferenced in a few of our friends who'd successfully navigated the online dating scene.  Their advice was unanimous...

First step:  Always register on multiple dating sites and sign up for their "free trial" offers, but don't post your photo-- yet. You'll get the lay of the land and see which site you like best before you spend all that time writing your profile and letting the world know you're available.

Second step:  Search the 25 mile radius from your zip code and see which guys turn up repeatedly.  You'd be surprised how many guys are on multiple sites and aren't afraid to show it. Don't they realize it's a great way for you to see if your potential "connection" is "connected" or just wasting your time and working the Internet for love?  Note:  Avoid these guys. 

Third step:  Watch out for bozos.  You know, the guys with the goofy pictures of themselves as a baby, or doing something abnormally macho, or using a fake picture that he thinks will drive women wild.  Kick them to the curb unless you like pranksters.  They're just playing with you.

Forth step:  Check to see when and how often a guy is reviewing his online profile-- Yes, dating sites actually tell you stuff like that!  This helps weed out the desperate, obsessive, and/or possible stalkers.  If a guy is online, day and night, checking to see who loves him, it's a red flag.

In Rita's case, Mr. bin Laden was actually the humor-deprived loser with the fake photo.  Bastard!  He scared the daylights out of her.

Our experienced gal pals said this guy's been around for years! Battery Boy bin Laden's real name is Mickey, and he'd sent them Hell's Angels and George W. Bush pictures.  Apparently he's a legend-- in his own mind-- and keeps doing this to women because he's yet to find his comedic companion.

Rita felt somewhat better knowing a friend of the Access of Evil was not really living in her zip code.  But, even with a 98% compatibility rating, she hit the delete button and erased him from her screen.

Instead of crying over her dating predicament, she decided to "play the field" and registered for trials on multiple dating sites. Rita is now sorting through the bozos and working the system in search of her true love connection.  Two can play this game!

What are your online dating tips?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor  -  Joanna

Not Your Typical Las Vegas Wedding

It's not everyday a loved one calls to say they are eloping-- in Las Vegas!  After my initial shock and excitement that these two love birds were finally tying the knot, I admit, my next thoughts turned to fat Elvis ministers, drive thru chapels and tacky plastic flowers. Not a pretty picture but I figured whatever works for them, works for me.

Since Las Vegas is just a hop, skip and jump away; and since I truly love the Bride and Groom with all my heart; hubby and I jumped in the car and decided to crash their wedding.  We made the 5 hour drive in under 4 1/2 hours and boy were they surprised to see us-- In a good way!  Phew.

We stayed at the beautiful Wynn Hotel-- What a great place; comfy beds, lush pillows and huge bathrooms! Ahhhh.  We needed a little vacation or at least that was my excuse to my husband for making the spur of the moment trip.

To celebrate the occasion, I finagled a last minute dinner reservation at the fully booked SW Steak House by mentioning the wedding about to take place and well, a waterfront table was immediately available for us!  

Moments after being seated, champagne was flowing and a fantastic water and light show with-- and this will sound crazy-- a beautiful, giant, tropical frog lip syncing "What a Wonderful World" began!  I know, I know, Vegas Baby, but it was really spectacular, and that was just the beginning of the music and lights and giant dancing puppets while we dined.  The Bride and Groom were thrilled and there was nothing tacky about it. Honest!  

The next day was "the big day" and something really amazing happened.  Instead of the usual, and totally normal, pre-wedding jitters, the Bride and Groom weren't the least bit stressed, nervous or anxious!  There was no matri-mania, no bridezilla, no freaking out, no meltdowns and not an ounce of drama!  Instead, we all had a huge breakfast together and they laughed and giggled like a couple of teenagers going to the Prom!  It was the greatest thing EVER!  

But the really surprising part was the Groom.  Somewhere over the last several years spent with his lovely Bride, this 40-something guy became a hopeless romantic; a gushy, mushy, love-struck hunk, who is head over heels in love and not afraid to show it.  It was seriously impressive and incredibly sweet. After my shock and awe at this revelation, I realized that, since meeting his Bride, our Groom had become a better man. I love that and I'm so proud of him.

The Bride, also madly in love, was relaxed, calm and absolutely radiant!  She was 1000% confident that the two were meant for each other and couldn't wait to meet the preacher!  

But this was not your stereotypical Las Vegas "Quickie Wedding".  Oh no, no, no!  There were having none of the often joked about tacky weddings in Nevada.

Instead, a stretch limo picked us up and drove about an hour out of town to the Valley of Fire State Park.  We drove up and over the hills and turns, deep into the Park, before we stopped at Rainbow Ridge.   And there-- right there-- in the distance, was the Grand Canyon in all her glory!  On that very ridge, surrounded by gorgeous red rocks and a spectacular view, the Bride and Groom exchanged wedding vows at sunset before a minister that reminded me of Andy Griffith.   

She wept with joy; he beamed with love; we took a few hundred pictures and a video to show the family back home in Ohio.  It was all so beautiful, so glorious, so loving and so joyful that I am now a confirmed fan of Las Vegas weddings!  Swear to gawd, I'd get married in Las Vegas if I had it to do all over again-- And so would my husband!  It was that perfect.

Yes, next weekend they are having a big gathering back home with family and friends to celebrate their marriage. Everyone is very excited and happy for them. They'll show the video and pictures and share their special day with everyone.  But on the actual day of their wedding, it was just the way they wanted-- simple, stress-free and all about LOVE.  

I've talked to the happy couple several times in their first six days of marriage.  You can tell by their voices that they are still blissfully happy!  

Did I mention they've been together for nearly eight years-- living together for the past four?  The Bride says she didn't expect things to "feel different" now that they are married, but she says they do-- She says they feel GREAT, happier, and just plain MORE or everything.    

And they'll live happily ever-after!

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor  -  Joanna

Fifty-something Dating: Chapter Two

Single, fifty-something guys... 

One dynamite woman, Marilyn (53), spent $1700 on a dating service that sets you up on "pre-screened" dates to "do lunch".  She thought her initial interview with the matchmaker went well and that she had articulated her "wish list" in a man.  

Or, maybe not.

Her first lunch was with a guy (52) who'd been divorced for more than 20 years.  He was attractive, employed, and didn't eat with is feet.  Good start, she thought-- until he mentioned that, since getting divorced, he hadn't been in a relationship for more than two years-- And he'd been in several relationships!  Yep, the guy was a hit and run dater-- The ultimate 24 month revolving door of love connections. Check please....

The second date was equally unimpressive.  Mr. Man (56) rode up on his very loud, Harley Davidson-- dressed head to toe in leather. His bike was decked out in chrome, so were his front teeth.  She shamelessly hide in the bathroom until he gave up and rode off into the sunset.

Third date was a Mama's Boy (52) who brought his poodle, Gigi, with him.  The dog ate off his plate-- and hers.  Marilyn speed dialed the matchmaker from the parking lot to share the pain. What part of a "normal, healthy male, looking for a long-term relationship" didn't Miss Matchmaker understand? 

Two weeks passed before Marilyn ventured out to "do lunch" again.  This time, Mr. Right (55) appeared at her table with flowers in hand.  Now we're talking!  Lunch was fabulous; they had so much in common and they laughed and laughed.  It ended with a sweet peck on the cheek and the promise of another date.  She never heard from him again.  

Up next, Mr. Sweet (51), and that was the problem.  He was "sweet" which ranked him right up there in the "nice personality" department.

By now, lunch was taking up too much time so Marilyn decided to cut-to-the-chase and switched to coffee.  Cup, after cup, after cup-- of coffee.  Date, after date, after date.  Nothing.  No one. After twelve dates, not a single interesting guy with potential in sight.

As of this writing, Marilyn is anticipating her 35th class reunion and the possibility of her also single, high school sweetheart (54) sweeping her off her feet-- again.  Not likely, but a trip down memory lane might be interesting. After that, she's taking a break from dating and going with the old line "what's meant to be will be".

I'll keep you posted.

Have you made a fifty-something love connection?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor  - Joanna

Valentine's Day is Canceled

Do you hear that loud sucking noise?  It's Valentine's Day and the legions of singles and unhappy couples getting sucked into this dreaded "Hallmark Holiday".  Damn the pressures of true love.  Damn those obnoxious lovers cooing at one another. Damn the long stem rose deliverers of the world.  Who created this frigging holiday anyway?  A masochist?  Singles don't need a "special" day to remind them how "alone" they are in this big, cruel world.  Most singles just want to get the stinking day over with and move on before they go running and screaming down the street like a raving lunatic!

Then there's me.  Afterall, I'm "50 going on 40" and madly in love with my hubby.  But like singles, there's pressure for us married ones too.  It's the day to pull out all under-things red. No granny panties on V-Day.  And the chocolates!  You know-- the ones you've been avoiding since you promised yourself you'd stick to your diet?  Chocolates will be coming through the door at 7pm.  I guarantee it.  And the hunt for the perfect card that expresses your undying love?  Crap.  You forgot to pick it up yesterday at the supermarket.  It's true--  Even us married folks need Valentine's Day like we need a whole in our heads.

I proclaim Valentine's Day as the new "Get a Good Night's Sleep Day".  Doesn't that sound better?  Who couldn't use a little more sleep-- in your granny panties-- minus the migraine from too much chocolate and the guilt trip of being "alone"?  One less day to feel bad about yourself should be a sure thing.  Alert the Media!

Don't get me wrong.  I can be a hopeless romantic like the next girl.  I just don't like to "schedule" romance every year on February 14th.

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor.com.  -  Joanna