Pink Shoes

Did you try to adjust the color on your television screen or was that really pink you saw professional football players wearing on Sunday? After all, pink on pro football players usually doesn't happen.

But this week, the NFL got a bit of a makeover and shades of pink were all over the fields. In support of International Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the NFL allowed players to wear pink shoes, gloves, caps, and sweatbands. I even spotted a couple of pink towels on the sidelines too.

Since 1985, October has been designated Breast Cancer Awareness Month to raise awareness of the disease and raise much-needed funds for research and screenings. It is also meant as a major reminder to self-test, and to get your mammograms. (Yes ladies, I'm talking to YOU!)

If pro football players can go a giant step beyond wearing a pink ribbon by lacing up a pair of hot pink cleats, all women "of a certain age" can step up and get checked. I guarantee you, a mammogram is a lot less uncomfortable them a 300 pound linebacker, wearing pink gloves, smashing into you!

When was your last mammogram?

Welcome to The Fifty Factor - Joanna

Photo: Courtesy of the Internet: Tom Brady was one of many players wearing pink gear this weekend to recognize breast cancer awareness.

So Long Bikini Season

Public schools start in Los Angeles today. Even though I don't have kids of my own, the new school year signals the "official" end of summer in my world.

Once school's back in session, traffic will be heavier, beaches less crowded, restaurants quieter at lunchtime, reruns on tv will cease and new tv programming will start, office supply stores will once again cater to mostly adults, not mobs of kids with "school supplies" lists, and I'm praying this commercial will finally stop airing on television. Afterall, bikini season is "officially" over, isn't it?

Believe me, I've eaten my share of burgers over the years. But even if I could wear that smoking hot gold lamé bikini like Miss Audrina Patridge, I'm pretty sure I would not be eating a burger, on a beach, with a camera shooting up my butt or zeroed in on my hooters. Or do I have this all wrong?

Who is this commercial targeting-- Burger eating women or bikini watching men?

If the commercial is targeted to guys, are they buying teriyaki burgers because of the hot babe in the commercial? I'd really like to know-- Because the ad copy is about having a bikini body so technically it's targeted to women. Or do real men eat pineapple burgers and wish they could wear gold lamé? I'm confused.

Do you remember Jarret from Subway? He was the big guy that ate nothing but Subway sandwiches and lost a ton of weight and gained a high paying spokesperson's job for the company. I would eat only teriyaki burgers with pineapple-- as disgusting as that sounds, to get the same bikini body as in the video plus a spokesperson's gig!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm dreaming.... And I'm not that stupid.

As you might imagine, I am not a gold lamé bikini-wearing woman therefore I'm sure I sound bitter and jealous. But honestly, I wouldn't touch that burger for all the rice in China. I mean, even if I gave up "like everything" and all I ate were teriyaki burgers everyday, all summer long, I flat out guarantee you I'd ended up as big as the back side of a barn, not bikini ready, for anything.

So I ask you, what is up with this commercial? Who are they selling burgers too? Are people buying them? And is the ad's tag line really "More Than Just A Piece of Meat"? Seriously?

Ahh, happy end of summer.

Welcome to The Fifty Factor - Joanna

Photo Credit

Annual Check-ups

They are all done for another year!  It took me two months but my annual check-ups are complete.  Teeth cleaning, bone density, colonoscopy (Oy!), pap test, eye exam and today-- my mammogram.

As I sat against the wall, facing the window, in a long row of chairs it struck me as odd that about twenty women were all on display in the giant picture window of the mammogram office.  At street level, it had a huge, can't miss sign, announcing to all the world that we ladies were at the doc's office to get our annual breast smashing!  What's up with that?  Haven't they heard about curtains, vertical blinds, frosted glass?  For some reason I started humming How Much Is That Doggie In the Window?.

Women walking by had interesting looks on their faces as they stared at us in passing.  Some registered the reminder to make their annual appointment.  (Yeah!)  Others literally seemed to cringe knowing we had a date with a very cold hunk of machinery.  (Boo!)

And then there were the ones who stepped up their pace and walked faster-- past the window and straight into denial.  And you know who you are!  You, right there-- The one looking into the computer screen with denial written all over her face.  I'm talking to YOU!

GO GET YOUR MAMMOGRAM!!!!!  

Hello.  Anybody home?  Heeeelllloooo????  Knock, knock, denial calling!  Are you in there?  Time's a wasting girlfriend.  Tick, tick, tick.  I'm on to you.  Cue:  Jeopardy music.... do do dodo do, do do do...

I think you get my point.  But seriously.  I have war stories about a cherished friend who didn't get her mammogram for four years (!) and recently spent her 50th birthday in the hospital-- getting a mastectomy.  (Yes, holy shit!)  Thank god she is recovering but it was a major wake-up call for her and the sisterhood in her universe.  So I'm beating the drum, sounding the alarm and pointing fingers.   You!  The one who's not making the time to take care of herself, please-- stand up, dial the phone and go.  Now!

And please talk about this with your sisterhood universe.  It's an important and loving question to ask the women in your life. Afterwards you can "bond" over boob smashing jokes.

Have you had your annual mammogram yet?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor.com  -  Joanna

Barbie and the Academy Awards

So our doll Barbie is turning 50 years old in March!  Can you believe it?  She's 50 and her breasts are still high, her mascara still thick and her legs are still long and lean.  I wonder if she's having hot flashes yet?

I wish I still had my Mattel Barbie Dolls from the 1960s. I'd sell them on eBay and put the loot towards the full body lift I've been dreaming about.  After all, I grew up thinking Barbie had the perfect body and longed to look like her.

When I was a girl, I loved the evening gowns Barbie wore.  I'd change her outfits all day long and never get tired.  The "mermaid" or "fishtail" gowns we my favorites.  So were the great big, fluffy, layered gowns.

I saw several Barbie gown knock-offs at the Academy Awards tonight.  Did you?  With all due respect to the designers, Sarah Jessica Parker wore a stunning Barbie gown.  It was so big and full.  She looked like Princess Barbie only with better hair.  And Miley Cyrus was Sweet Sixteen Barbie in her ball gown.  I wonder if she ever played with Barbies?

Teen sensation, Vanessa Hudgens, was wearing a black Barbie mermaid dress, or rather the dress was wearing her.  It was a very big and very mature dress for such a little girl.  Maybe she wants to grow up to be Barbie? And, Beyonce rocked the Kodak Theater Red Carpet in her black and gold Barbie mermaid gown. What a body on that girl!

But it was the lovely Penelope Cruz that took my prize for "Best Barbie Dress" of the night, although her dress is actually 10 years older than Barbie!  Yep, Miss Penelope wore a 60 year old vintage Balmain ball gown when she nabbed the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for "Vicky Christina Barcelona".  I just love that she recycles.

Hats off to all the ladies tonight.  Dressing for the Oscars is a seriously big job-- Even for Barbie.

Who wore your favorite dress at the Oscars?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor.com  -  Joanna

Doctor Dude and the Paper Gown

After months of nagging back pain I found myself in a paper hospital gown seated on a very cold exam table waiting for my new spine specialist to walk through the door.  As I waited and watched the clock, I mentally calculated how much I used to charge my clients per hour and estimated Dr. Spine owed me about $450.

Finally the door swung open with a swoosh that sent my paper garment flying higher than Marilyn Monroe's dress over a street grate.  Dr. Spine took one look at me and immediately registered disappointment on his face.  You know how on "Grey's Anatomy" the interns are always fighting for a "good case?  Well, my case wasn't and apparently neither was I as I tried to cover myself.

My reason for sharing this moment of humiliation is simple. Women of a "certain age" should carefully pick their physicians. Dr. Spine is  NOT the kind of doc you want.  Trust me on this. Although he looked like he'd just walked of the set of "Beverly Hills 90210" and was dressed from head to toe in Armani, he was only 35 years old.  THIRTY-FIVE!  So unless you are some hot "cougar" who has the secret recipe for shaving 10 years off your 50 year old sagging, and might I add in this case, braless boobs, a 35 year old doc is not the doc for you. (Remember the paper gown ladies!)

To add insult to injury, this very fine looking man of medicine had clearly missed the college course on how to talk to middle aged women.  He totally dismissed the tears running down my face when I tried to bend and touch my toes.  When our eyes finally met, he radically proclaimed "Dude!  You're great!".  

Yes, my doctor called me "Dude".  Of course it was the last time I ever saw him again and for good reason.  How can I have confidence in a medical professional who not only looks like a kid but also talks like a kid.  Sure he has all the beautifully framed medical school diplomas hanging on the exam room walls.  And, clearly he is capable and qualified to be a doctor.  But, I just can't wrap my head around a doctor that is younger than some of my socks. 

How old are your doctors? 

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor.com  -  Joanna