Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Gasp!


I was reeling over the alleged lack of beef in Taco Bell tacos-- You know, the lawsuit claiming only 36% of their taco beef is actually beef, giving a whole new meaning to the term "mystery meat".

Godson loves Taco Bell and so do I, so the mystery meat revelation was unsettling to say the least. When Taco Bell countered with their 88% real beef public relations campaign I justified the remaining 12% "fillers" as "seasonings and vegetables" and put the controversy out of my mind.

Every Tuesday after school, the Taco Bell #3 Combo-- 3 Crispy Taco Supremes, are smelling up my car on our drive home. He usually eats two and I, um, err, occasionally eat one, as we cruise over the hill to my side of town.

Have you ever eaten a taco while driving twist and turns on a narrow canyon in swiftly moving traffic?

It's best left to professionals-- Which I am clearly not.

Case in point-- Driving home yesterday, starved out of my mind, with the Ghostbusters theme song playing at an ungodly decibel level. With a taco in one hand and the steering wheel in the other, navigation aided by my knee, I was taking a bite of (translation: practically inhaling) my fave mystery meat supreme when I hit a whopper of a pothole....

And swallowed a HUGE piece of taco shell-- WHOLE. Dang!

As the very hard and very jagged two inch square chunk of taco shell scraped its way down my throat at 35mph, I momentarily thought I would, quite frankly, die from the pain.... So, in an attempt for serious relief, I guzzled 16 ounces of root beer so fast it started coming out of my nose-- But still the taco-- now painfully lodged in my throat, did not budge.

Still driving hair-pin turns in fairly heavy traffic, I searched for a spot to pull over but to no avail and started coughing like a crazy person, all the while Ghostbusters, which Godson has on "repeat", continued to blast my eyeballs around my head. Godson, by the way, was oblivious to all of this and continued munching casually on his tacos.

Fast forward two miles later, the little grocery market half way over the hill brings me hope for salvation. I pulled into the tiny, over-crowded parking lot, jumped out, and gave myself a freakish version of the Heimlich Maneuver in an effort to dislodge the piece of taco shell that was now feeling like the size of New Jersey half way down my throat.

Unfortunately, instead of moving the shell up and out-- The crispy shell moved south and further down my esophagus. But-- if I leaned forward and slightly to the right, with my head tilted to a 45 degree angle to the left, with my arms over my head, I could almost breathe comfortably. This position was not, however, conducive to driving, nor was it a red flag for any of the market's customers to offer assistance, so the problem and the pain continued.

Godson eventually rolled the window down and asked what I was doing. Squeaking out a call for help, he was a champ, jumped out, and started pounding on my back, before running back to the car and get me his soda.

If the situation wasn't bad enough already, I chugged Blue Mountain Dew to try to "soften" the chip and relieve the pain. All I can say is, if the mystery meat, an enormous taco shell stuck in my throat, or choking root beer up my nose didn't kill me, I assure you Blue Mountain Dew nearly pushed me over the cliff-- That stuff is nasty, and thanks to the hideous amount of caffeine it contains, I am sure to be awake for the next 36 hours.

But "the blue Dew" helped soften the crispy taco shell enough to move to a less painful position and I could freely breath again.

Thank gawd.

As I type this, about 8 hours after my "leisurely lunch", I swear I can still feel what can only be summed up as a "taco chunk" in the middle of my chest that feels similar to "heartburn from hell". This experience confirms my "adventure" was anything but FAST food.

Was this a junk food "teaching moment" for me? You bet!

I know for sure I will never drink a Blue Mountain Dew ever again. I will never drive with one hand while I inhale food with the other. And I will only eat Taco Bell sitting in the restaurant dining room directly next to the Heimlich Maneuver "how-to" poster.

Better yet, I think I'll skip tacos all together for, oh about, the next hundred years.

Welcome to www.TheFiftyFactor.com - Joanna Jenkins
Photo Credit: © kmit - Fotolia.com

66 comments:

  1. I had a similar situation once--when Diet Coke "went down the wrong pipe" while I was driving. I choked so badly I scared myself, which made it worse. Never again will I drink and drive.

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  2. Oh Joanna I really feel for you, but I must admit you post is hilarious. Thanks it gave me a good morning chuckle.

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  4. sorry to laugh, but you told that story with such enthusiasm... I could FEEL that shell in my throat! glad it was 'softened' up even if it was yuck blue-dew.

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  5. Serious, Joanne? For years I heard there was some question about the so called beef... I haven't had taco bell/del taco in years.. reason being- SERVICE SUCKS... No matter where I go, its slow service.. How hard is it to combine beans, cheese, so called meat, tortillas in 25 different ways??? and the quality isn't that great.

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  6. I don't eat that stuff. Now I know why. But Joanna, I'll bet you will think twice about inhaling a Taco Bell of any sort while driving. I hope so, anyway. Made for a great tale, though... :-)

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  7. Oh my, I can't stop laughing. What a crazy day! Izzy

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  8. wild ride indeed.
    and I'm glad you are okay.

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  9. That feeling of a taco shelling slicing your insides open is a feeling straight from hell and I just know it. . . after having a similar experience.

    Oh my goodness. . . I cannot imagine the pain. . . and yet I sit here laughing, feeling very guilty for doing so, but laughing as I realize how horrible you must have felt during this near death experience!

    You have got to start eating with both hands and driving with both knees missy!!!!! Otherwise, this could happen again!

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  10. That does sound like torture. But don't give up on tacos. For me, if it tastes good, I will eat it. We don't have any fast food places in this town but today we went to the Corner Cafe and ordered two chicken dinners.
    While they were cooking the chicken we walked over to the pharmacy for some Vitamin E lotion, walked back and took the dinners home. There was enough food for at least three meals. Seriously. And the lady at the cafe had us full the large size to go boxes at the salad bar so there is enough salad for days too.

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  11. this probably shouldn't be funny but the visual I have is hilarious. Feeling like you are choking is seriously scary! Glad you are okay. Hmmm...what should we worry about more, mystery meat or what makes Blue Mountain Dew BLUE!

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  12. YOU ARE ONE LUCKY TACO EATER!!! That could have been very bad! So now, I can tell you..it was hilarious! Glad you are OK! Better stick to soft food while driving!

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  13. I think your first idea is better. Don't skip the sketchy tacos!

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  14. Not that you asked--but remind me never to ride with you.....

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  15. your serious, yet hilarious, post gives me pause...i have been known to inhale the #3 supreme while driving. Not actually inhale as you did, but manage to wolf down the crunchy creamy meaty hunger buster while driving. Never a smart thing to be doing anything BUT driving while you are driving, but hey, we all do it.

    The #3 is one of the last vestiges of my fast-food eating. It is not something I generally acknowledge to people, either, as I am not proud of it. It's kind of like eating those little white powdery doughnuts for breakfast or something. Which I never do. Really.

    I confess to being rather a food nazi when it comes to junk and fast food. but don't for a moment believe that your experience was instant karma -- i'm surprised you are actually alive! i think i'd be put off the #3, too, if this happened to me. My throat and chest hurt just thinking about it.

    xxoo

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  16. If I eat taco's in the car it makes one hell of a mess. I can relate though since I was drinking soda and choked and it came out my nose. lady like I know..lol

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  17. It could have ended much worst. You wouldn't want to be on National News for a taco accident. Good nobody was hurt. You don't need to stop eating tacos for safety reasons you just need to stop eating while driving. I admit to munching on fries while driving but I'll wait in the parking lot and eat the burger before moving along. It's not worth the sauce in the lap.

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  18. I am suddenly feeling so good abiut my preference for soft flour tortillas!

    I'm glad you're all right (more or less) and, yes, blue dew is evil.

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  19. Oh my gosh I'm so glad you okay and survived the taco and the very disgusting sounding "blue" mountain dew - who knew they made such a thing. What you describe is my fear of eating and driving, I seem to trip and choke on air way to much.

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  20. I love Taco Bell too, but did notice 2 weeks ago when I got pop and me a taco salad...something had changed and I told him, hey there isn't any "meat" in these anymore..just mush...! I will be going to Taco Sombaro from now on.

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  21. Joanna, I am so glad you are okay, you do have a way of writing. Thank goodness it all worked out okay. I had a similar experience, I can't remember the food, but I do remember thinking that was it.I never heard anything about the Taco Bell meat controversy until now....Big hug my friend, c

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  22. That was a true taco tale of terror...I'm glad it had a happy ending. The funny thing is, I haven't eaten at Taco Bell in years, and now I want a meatless, dangerous shelled taco.

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  23. so glad you are okay. Towards the end of your story I realized you must be okay because you lived to write about it! I love hard tacos btw.

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  24. Oh good gosh, Joanna! That sounded just AWFUL! At the start of your post, you made me want to go out and get a Taco Bell taco. Now, I feel like I'm going to stay away from it. Wow! What an experience!

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  25. You are funny, friend :)



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  26. First thank goodness you are OK! Second, thank goodness you didn't panic- it could have made things worse. You were able to keep cool, so cool godson didn't notice at first. xo

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  27. would it seem uncaring to ask if anyone got his on video...trust me i was feeling your pain...while i was laughing...smiles. hope you feel better....

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  28. Oh Joanna! What an ordeal. Glad you survived. I thought the story was going to end with you standing over a gross pool of blue Mountain Dew, mystery meat and rootbeer. I can imagine it will be hard to eat it again for a long time.
    My husband's aunt has always told me how awful T.Bell is. She said they use the lowest grade beef available. I admit though, I do love the soft tacos.
    I think the other 12% ingredient is pure lard. Some one who used to work for them said that would dump in the lard containers in with the meat.
    Appetizing huh.

    ♥ Joy

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  29. Joanna, you see, when they say that someone hungrily inhaled their meal.. it's only a figure of speech. ;)

    That sounds pretty awful. I'm glad it eventually resolved. There's blue Mountain Dew?

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  30. Oh, girl- what a gift you have in sharing a moment ;-! I will not drive by a Taco Bell without thinking of you, dear one-

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  31. That's awful! Not only will you not drive and eat fast food but you'll probably always remember choking when you hear the Ghostbusters theme song. I'm so glad you're okay. Thank God, Godson knew how to stay calm. Soft tacos only from now on, k?

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  32. I'm sorry but I couldn't help but laugh through this story...I am thankful of course that it ended fine but my goodness you crack me up with the way you told it. :)

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  33. OMG!! How awful!!!! But I must admit to laughing out loud here! Sorry!! But that is another reason why I don't do tacos! I eat burritos...they are soft and yummy and I wish I had one right now!!!!!!
    Glad your moment passed without serious incident!
    And Blue Mountain Dew?? I have not heard of...and I drink Diet Mountain Dew all the time! Lurve it!!
    Hugs
    SueAnn

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  34. Didn't anybody ever tell you not to eat while .... oh nevermind. All's well that ends well.

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  35. Oh no, Joanna! I can't imagine the fear you experienced....or Godson either. He was a quick thinker, for sure. He might benefit from a quick Heimlich Maneuver demonstration. It will make him feel more confident.

    I'm sooooooooo glad you're okay.

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  36. Oh my goodness, what a terrible adventure! As for tacos being mystery meat - that's no surprise. The same goes for most fast food, which I avoid - mainly because there are few veg alternatives....

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  37. It goes to show that I´m really hungry because even after reading this I´m still hungry for Taco Bell. :)
    Sorry for your discomfort, but this was hilarious and you described it perfectly. I could "see" it all.

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  38. Oh My...you had me on the floor rolling in laughter! (I know it wasn't funny at the moment, but what a story!) I've also had a couple, or 3 or 4, of those situations. Once it involved a tortilla chip, another a snow pea when half the bean dangled down in my throat while still attached by one of its' "strings" to the other half that was still in my mouth, and other similar situations involving meat that should have been chewed instead of inhaled.

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  39. these are the times I thank heavens I'm a vegetarian BUT really, I think all food is manipulated these days. All for the love of money, we become experiments.

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  40. Oh girl, please don't hate me 'cause I'm rollin' on the floor holdin' my sides and my bladder with the Ghostbusters tune in my brain!!!

    How badly I feel for ya...that can be soooo painful not to mention tryin' to maneuver a hairpin canyon road while experiencin' 'death by taco'. That Godson...sooo much help, huh??? I have to tell ya through all the danger and pain it made for some pretty great blog~fodder!!!!

    Heeehehehehe!!!! :o)

    God bless ya and have a uneventful day sweetie!!!

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  41. I always knew fast food would kill you but I didn't think it would be so pro-active!

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  42. You can tell a true comedian in that they can take a dangerous situation and make others laugh. I can't imagine how scary and painful that must have been at the time though. Maybe it was an omen sto steer clear of the mystery meat. That's the way I'd look at it. :/

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  43. That same thing happened to me once.
    It was stuck from side to side.
    Never had horse-meat again!

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  44. Oh, no!!! The very same thing happened to me in a Mexican restaurant. I ran to the bathroom, stuck my head under the faucet and drank and drank and drank...

    Wow. Joanna, I can't imagine having that kind of pain while driving. Glad you're okay.

    Pearl

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  45. Oh my word Joanna! I laughed so hard at your story I have tears in my eyes! What a mental vision! I am really not laughing at what happened, but at your telling of it! I had a similar incident involving a tostito a few years back - very painful! My youngest is a TB freakaholic and, if allowed, I swear he would eat it several times a week. I just don't get it and it has nothing to do with the fact that I am a vegetarian! He is lucky if I cave in once a month. I have to admit that although I used to be a Mt. Dew fan I do not like any of the other varieties of it.

    ~ Tracy

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  46. While it's all been said... I will just say one thing.
    DON'T EAT AND DRIVE you twit!!!
    Said EVER SO nicely of course.

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  47. 47 comments??? Really?! Well dear, I'm glad you lived to tell the tale. Please be more careful when you're eating/driving, we'd like to keep you around awhile.
    Bravo to your little helper.

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  48. At least (in hindsight I'm sure) you can see the funny side to it - but wow - what a scary experience! I felt guilty giggling as I read, but it's your own fault for being so funny..

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  49. Okay, I am TERRIFIED reading this story. How scary for you!!!
    I haven't eaten Taco Bell since college when one of my roommates found a bandaid in her bean burrito...

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  50. My husband worked
    with a guy who ate
    a Dorito wrong and
    it tore his esophagus,
    so really, I know
    just what you are
    talking about: PAINFUL!
    This man had to have
    surgery as it was
    causing internal bleeding.
    YOWZER!!
    I have to say....I was
    laughing at the Blue
    Mountain Dew...sorry!!
    xx Suzanne

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  51. My throat was hurting for you the whole time I read that post. I have had a taco chip stuck in my throat before, but didn't have Blue Dew to wash it out. At least you can laugh about it it afterwards.

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  52. we had to give up fast food....
    our bodies are too old to digest crap anymore.....

    now on the way home from florida, we stopped at arby's and had a roast beef sandwich....but only out of highway desperation.....

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  53. laugh out loud funny while coughing and gasping from my new cold....rule one...don’t eat and drive, bad on so many, many levels. wrecks havoc on digestion, could be dangerous, (your lucky you weren’t seriously hurt). Pull over next time darling...enjoy a quiet lunch somewhere in the canyon or even the parking lot. This was a warning...take heed...

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  54. Oh! Joanne!!! I am so sorry this happened to you. OH!!! That hurts!!!! I am very ashamed ~ I laughed as I read this...You do tell the story so funny...Feel better friend! :)

    xoxox, Lisa

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  55. Oh, I had to stop all that fast food. I can't take it anymore at my age of 51.

    I just can't.

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  56. I know I shouldn't have laughed... but that was a funny description! I've inhaled popcorn before and while not quite as painful as a piece of taco is, that gasping for air while choking feeling is just awful. Glad to hear you've sworn off fast food for the next hundred years - choking on it is not the worst thing about it ;)

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  57. Wow, that was a heck of a lesson! Glad that ended as it did!

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  58. oh OW! I've sorta done that-swallowed a chunkof taco shell HURTS, but never while driving ona twisty road. bless your heart!

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  59. You were lucky.
    So glad you didn't have a crash or something worse.

    Geez.

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  60. Been there Joanna. Not fun not fun not fun. I was driving alone with a corn nut stuck in my throat and couldn't inhale. After several seconds and realizing I would very soon be passing out from lack of oxygen while navigating a two ton steel rocket at 70 mph, I forced my throat to relax just enough to get a bit of air past the thing, enough to cough hard and get it out.

    So glad you are OK.

    Cheers,

    Casey

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  61. OUCH! I am glad you got it worked out. So scary!

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  62. Hilarious (and scary). I actually know someone who almost chocked to death on a piece of lettuce. I guess it's more fun to injure your throat with a Taco Bell taco shell.

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  63. That is just too scary. I did laugh at the root beer through the nose. Sorry.

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  64. Taco Bell might be able to use this story for positive publicity, i.e. Look just how crispy our crispy taco supremes are...and remain...for hours...and hours!

    (Hope your innards have fully recovered). x

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  65. Great story! Never heard of Blue Mountain Dew until now! Ha Ha.
    Digicat {at} Sbcglobal {dot} Net

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