California Grass & UPDATE

Day Eleven Update on Attila's Son: "Today the docs are going to try to switch him back to the bi-level ventilator. This will be a big step in the right direction." Click HERE for a full report. And please, continue to send prayers and kind words. Thanks, xo Joanna

California has weird grass, or at least my grass in California is weird and the same goes for many of my neighbors. We have what I call "poop grass" and it has nothing to do with the kind of grass you smoke, if you catch my drift.

Every year, starting in early October, our perfectly fine green grass starts getting big brown patches that seem to appear over night. The grass dies regardless how much we water or how perfect the weather conditions are for growing. It's like this every single year and, despite asking countless times, I have no idea what's up with the grass.

When the brown spots start appearing, the "Poop Grass Guy" - aka The Gardener, appears-- usually in mid-October, and cuts all the grass super short. Then he turns the water off so the grass is completely dead within a couple of days. The gardener then returns and rakes up all the dead grass.

Here's the nasty part. The next step in the process is to spread huge amounts of eye-watering, stink to high heaven, fertilizer-- translation-- cow poop-- all over the yard. Grass seed goes on top and the sprinklers are turned back on to water daily for a couple of weeks. Within about three weeks, we have beautiful, green grass again-- Along with a $425 bill, but at least the smell is gone.

And therein lies the problem.

First, Gardener and I have battled over why WE need poop grass when half the neighborhood does not. I've requested changing to the non-smelly grass, no matter what the cost, but he insists-- Once poop grass, always poop grass.

The second problem is, and continues to be, the timing of the poop grass process. I do not want darling trick-or-treaters traipsing across the yard through the "fertilizer" on Halloween so I insist he either spread the poop in early October or after October 31st.

Which beings me to my current poop grass dilemma-- Beloved's upcoming birthday party. It seems Gardener is behind schedule this year and even though I've been telling him about the November 14th birthday party for four months, and the need for no poop smells of any kind, he still has not started the stinky process on our yard-- But he swears he's about to get the job started. That means in 11 short days, 50 people will arrive at our front yard and ask the exact same question...

Ewwww, what is that awful smell?" Just the way you want to greet your guests for a festive evening, huh?

What's a girl to do?

I can make the house smell good-- The simplest trick for that is to saute onions-- which I'll have been doing for days in preparation of the dinner. But the outside-- The front door entrance and the back yard where the bar will be located-- There is not enough onions-- or booze, in the world to knock out the smell of three inches of cow poop spread across your entire yard.

Yes, we are fortunate to have a gardener who handles things like this so I don't have to get my pretty little hands covered in cow dung, but, at this point in time, all the grass in my yard, front and back is DEAD and if I don't get my cow poop when the Poop Guy is available, I'll be spreading the poop myself and that will not be a pretty picture.

So, I'm taking bets Gardener will show up the day before the party with a mountain of cow poop to spread. And I'm guessing Los Angeles will experience a record high temperature that day so the yard is nice and "ripe" for our guests. And I'm guessing the poop jokes will be flying right and left at the party-- along with the flies.

All I can do is laugh.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Do you have any party plans for the rest of the year?

Welcome to The Fifty Factor - Joanna

Photo Credit: James Murphy