Monday, May 13, 2013

One Step At A Time

He swaggered into the grocery store with knee stains that indicated he'd recently played in the dirt.  If there was any doubt of that, one look at his finger nails confirmed that half the sandbox had come to the store with him.  His nails, thick with dirt, were hard to miss because one of his fingers was so far up his nose his eyes were crossing.

My guess is the young man was about 5 years old.

Mom was still wrangling a shopping cart as the boy I came to know as Dennis made a beeline to the grapes in the produce section.  Several had been eaten before his mother arrived calling his name loudly.

And so began Dennis' supermarket adventure.

I soon found myself behind the pair in the cereal aisle unable to pass as they haggled over Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms.  I was in no rush so I paused and tried not to laugh out loud as nonstop pleading for both poured out of Dennis' mouth.

When mom finally won the cereal box battle, she pushed her cart down the aisle as Dennis pouted with both hands on his hips eyeing the Pop Tarts on the opposite shelf.

I was finally able to move past him when it happened...


My brand new rubber-soled, quasi geriatric looking flip-flops squeaked and sounded remarkably like a giant, um, well-- there's no other way to say it--  It sounded like a giant fart.

Dennis heard and was immediately hysterical running down the aisle laughing and shouting at the top of his lungs "Mom, that lady just farted!"

I did not-- had not-- would rather have turned purple before I did such a thing in public.  Seriously!  It was my shoe, actually the sole of foot against the rubber of the flip-flop's sole-- but it out came as a "foot fart", like the sound of an "armpit fart" that boys Dennis' age would make.

Mom looked over her shoulder at me.  I'm not sure which one of us was more mortified.  As she used her hand to muzzle him, Dennis wiggle away, ran back to me and asked, in an excited voice, to show his mom and "fart again".

I was frozen in my tracks afraid to move.  If I was going to vindicate myself, my flip-flop would need to "fart" on command.  If it did not, well, then I was really just a big stinker in the eyes of Dennis, his mom and the crowd of shoppers we were now drawing.

Mind you, these were brand new flip-flops and the noise had never happened before.

Dennis was practically apoplectic so I had him take one step at a time with me.

Step one... Nothing.

Step two... Nothing.

Step three...Hello foot fart!

Step four, five, six... Jackpot-- Foot fart... fart... fart.  Dennis was in foot fart heaven proving his case to his mother as true.  He never figure out it was my flip-flops, rather he just thought there was an old lady at the market who could fart on command.

His mom, red-faced, rolled her eyes and mouthed "Sorry".  I saluted and finished my shopping with a few random shoppers high 5-ing me along the way-- Although I'm not exactly sure why.

I paid for my groceries and made my way out of the store as quickly as possible-- on my tip-toes-- so as to avoid any further embarrassing moments. 

Just another day in paradise...

Welcome to www.TheFiftyFactor.com  -  Joanna Jenkins
Photo Credit: © iQoncept - Fotolia.com

49 comments:

  1. kids - aren't they adorable?

    More embarrassment: I had some, er, gas, while visiting my daughter et al. Her husband said, "I think the baby had a pooh!" I kept quite. Best policy.

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  2. Ha! I laughed out loud at this one!

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  3. Oh, Joanna. You have some mad skillz.

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  4. Out the door of the grocery store...directly to the shoe store for a new pair of less lethal flip-flops? You definitely need to hang onto those shoes for future fun.

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  5. wow...seriously...you need to go on americas got talent...smiles...you know you made that little boys day...haha...hood on you jj...

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  6. cute story! But I'd get new shoes!

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  7. we will all be waiting for a shoe update now. You could work the shoes into a road show. Oh I know, sound effects for a mime show.

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  8. Oh my goodness I laughed so hard I cried. I had an issue at work with a pair of what I fondly called "tootie shoes" - tennis shoes and the heel made the fart sound. I almost died when my co-workers looked at me as if I'd actually tooted. I threw those shoes away. Thank you for that fantastic laugh. Hugs!!

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  9. hahaha...so funny. You do realise that Dennis is probably now diligently practising the awesome skill of farting on demand!

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  10. That was pure fun. I have developed a fair amount of gas in my later years, and I simply blame it on the "barking spiders." :-)

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  11. Great story! Thanks for giving me a morning chuckle!

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  12. I'm sure you made his day ... and ours as well. Great post!

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  13. Hmmm, and what have you done to those boisterous flip-flops?

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  14. I love it. So ummm enjoying wearing those shoes much now? ;) Gotta love kids and their unfiltered mouths.

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  15. This stuff is always a hoot when happens to someone ELSE!! Too funny! So glad I had time to stop by to visit today!

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  16. Of course they high-fived you.. who doesn't love a woman who can fart on demand.. even if it was your flip-flop. What a gas! ;)

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  17. Loved your story, Joanna! Wow! You handled an embarrassing situation with such humor and grace!

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  18. ONE WORD...HAHAHA!!!

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  19. I can't stop laughing! LOL Once my kid announced to an entire post office full of people that I had cut the cheese in the parking lot and didn't say excuse me. Kids...

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  20. What a hoot!! It does make me think of an experience I had in a grocery store one time, but we won't go there! :-)

    Have you file 13'd those flip-flops??

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  21. Getting old is a trip, isn't it?
    but it sure beats the alternative. Kids remind us of that every day.

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  22. hahaha, sorry, but this is just too funny! I bet those flip flops will be collecting dust from now on... :)

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  24. too dang funny! congrats on your POTW!

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  25. Sounds like a fun time at the market to me! You were a star for a little while. I like that people actually high fived you. Way cool.

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  26. Awesomely funny! Congrats on your POTW!

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  27. Thank you for a full on belly laugh session....great story. Congrats on the POTW, you were a great choice. Oma Linda

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  28. THANK YOU~!....
    my new flip flops.do the very same thing....they are so
    comfortable that I endure the looks.....smiles!

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  29. THANK YOU~!....
    my new flip flops.do the very same thing....they are so
    comfortable that I endure the looks.....smiles!

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  30. Congratulations on you POTW from Hilary. It's well deserved because it is FUNNY!

    I like your description of the flip-flops as being "quasi geriatric." :)

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  31. Congrats on your POTW, I came here from Hilary's. Funny post! Will be back!

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  32. Hmmm hope my comment got sent ok...wordpress issues.

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  33. Mowhahahaha! This was hilarious! Thanks. Such a great way to start my morning.

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  34. You know, JJ, I have flat feet and therefore have the ability to make some of the loudest shoe farts known to womankind. It's embarrassing, and I haven't figured out what to do about it. When my feet are sweaty, of course, it's much worse. I am a walking whoppee cushion too! Thanks for the smiles, my friend!

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  35. What a perfect teaching moment: "Dennis, dear, it's time you learn... Women. don't. fart."

    That's hysterical! Those flip-flops are adorable.

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  37. Delightful, and really hilareous.
    I'm sitting here laughing right out loud.
    Foot Fart!!!

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  38. Bwahahahahaha! Great story, terrific telling, and oh, my... "foot farts" is now in my vocabulary.
    Congratulations on your well-deserved POTW!

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  39. Simply wonderful, the way you handled it! Guess that's why you were high-fived.
    Funny story Joanna.

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  40. I am going to rush to the store for a pair of flip-flops so I'll have something to blame it on!
    Fartin' flip-flops.
    Hilarious!!

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  41. Well, this brightened my morning...what a fun story, thanks for sharing!!

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  42. I don't know about you, but I would have enjoyed that exchange with Dennis very much.

    AND I would have High-5'ed everyone on me way out of the store!

    Life is for having fun... in any situation that presents itself!

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  43. I love these quirky moments in life...thanks for sharing.

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  44. Omg JJ I'm crying from laughing so hard!! Oh the horror and oh the fun you can have entertaining kids. Cute flip flops too!

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  45. Loved the story, Joanna. Serve them right if you had have farted!! LOL.
    Did you take the shows back to the shop and complain that they foot farted? ROFL

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  46. LOL Foot farts very funny. I think I might borrow that one too

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  47. I have a pair of shoes that I call fart shoes for the very same reason. I always forget their "capabilities" and end up tiptoeing the whole day. What a cute story.

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